This bit has an original slant, it’s clever and most importantly, it’s just plain funny, a key ingredient when it comes to stand up comedy. But as a stand up comedian you have to work very hard at continually building on your set and add new material as much as you can. And since I’m not filling coliseums with rabid fans who can’t get enough of me telling them how my wife somehow runs our relationship, nor have I ever been on Conan O’Brien or The David Letterman show, it’s a labor I must endure.

So last week I’m in my office and I am desperately trying to add to this wonderful bit I have, this bit that will catapult me to stardom. I’m going through my usual routine to somehow mine within the contents of my topic, some gem I can polish and present to an audience in hopes of at least a chuckle. Enough of a laugh to let me know I am on to something and to keep polishing.

This joke that I finally was able to mine was so good that it actually scared me to tell it on stage. The reason it scared me is simple. I’m not a famous comedian…yet. I know if I tell this joke anywhere other than television, I would not receive proper credit for it because word of this joke will spread like wild fire among the comedy scene and eventually get back to a famous comedian who will then claim it as their own. And since I’m not on television the worry monster was awakened within me. But this joke is so good it was a risk I was willing to take.

So it was decided. I had to go to the mountain top and tell the world this joke. Or at least the open mic Thursday night. Good start I suppose. Even though I was scared to tell the joke for fear of it being stolen, at the same time it was so good, my peers had to hear it and hear it sooner rather than later. So did the audience who will be fortunate enough to be there and behold my greatness. It seems rather unfair to deny the public of such unparallel entertainment, don’t you think?

I’m delivering my tried and true jokes like FedX. The crowd is loving me. I get more and more excited because I know in about 2 minutes my life is gonna change forever. I will be carried off the stage like Rudy. The crowd is attentive and we are connecting. Everything I say is generating bigger and bigger laughs. I could have said anything at this point and the crowd would love it. I launch into my bit, my whole reason for being here tonight and I deliver my new joke with great poise and confidence and I see it land on the crowd. I then brace myself for the eruption of laughter and awe of what I just said.

It is such a great feeling when you tell a joke that people love enough to tell you about it after the show. It’s nice to be appreciated for all the hard work you put into putting together a stand up routine. and when people act as though you’re a genius it feels really good. However that was not to be the case tonight. Have you ever felt so awkward that you couldn’t breathe?

I could see the faces of the people in the audience but I couldn’t hear their laughter. It was very strange. Then I realized, there was no laughter. How could that be? This is the greatest joke ever told. It went from admiration and appreciation for me to stone cold silence. It’s so quiet in here now, I think they can hear me thinking. The joke bomb so bad, even the crickets were quiet.

Palms are sweaty, my heart is racing and I may have peed a little. I don’t even remember what I said after that. I’m sure I ended with an applause because when I think about it rationally, I did exactly what I was supposed to do. Tell proven jokes in the beginning, sandwich new stuff in the middle and close on more proven jokes.

I walked away feeling like the night was a failure because of one joke which didn’t work. Most likely no one else thought my night was a flop but me. And as the night went on I realized my night wasn’t a failure. I learned something this night. I learned I need to rework that joke. That’s the nature of stand up comedy. You never know what is going to work and what is not going to work. The ONLY way to know for sure, is to get your ass on stage and try it out. Not only do you need to try it out. You need to try it out several times. A good rule of thumb I was taught, try out the joke three separate times. If it doesn’t get a laugh, bring it back to the lab, rework it and try it three separate times again. Sometimes you have to put the joke away for awhile and revisit it later. But you have to constantly be writing and performing then rewriting and performing. It’s all worth it when a crowd appreciates your work.

I love being on stage and making people laugh at the things I say and when I get this new joke worked out, I hope to one day be making people laugh from the studios of Conan or Letterman and maybe Leno. We’ll see.

As I sit and listen during the Q & A to the Scott family answer questions and tell stories, I was not aware of the color of their skin nearly as much as I was aware of the quality of their character. (not meaning to sound Dr. King’ish here)  This was your typical American family, hardworking, honest and caring.  Wendell would take people into his home, black or white and give them a place to stay for how ever long they needed it.  His daughter was one of his mechanics.  Yeah, a woman working on your car?  He must have taught her well.  One of his sons is a principal of a high school and so was Wendell Jr who I believed is now retired.  The Wendell Scott story is a great story.  It’s a story of perseverance and the pursuit of a dream.  A story of a great American family overcoming great odds and eventually having their day in the sun.  Sure, we can say a black American family but I prefer to see it differently. 

One reason I would like to look at the Scott family as simply an American family is because of what Wendell’s  kids said during the Q & A.  The topic of  racism was obviously present during the conversation and at one point someone asked if their were any white people who were kind to them.  And without hesitation one of  Wendell’s son (I can’t remember which one) said, and I’m paraphrasing  here, that ”certain white people were instrumental in the success of our father.  If it weren’t for a few white people we knew we would not be where we are today”.    Of course I am not saying that white people are the reason for the Scott family’s success or any other black family’s success.  My whole point to this drivel is in spite of all the obstacles unfairly placed in front of the Scott family by society, they were able to look past all that and not judge by the color of a person’s skin, but by the content of their character.  (I know, I did it again.  The guy was a great speaker). 

I don’t even know if I really even qualify to be talking about such matters being all white and stuff but I just wanted to take a minute and talk about it.  Racism sucks and it’s uncalled for but if we can all see people the way the Scott family sees people then we may be all right.  Here’s to the Scott family, thanks for the example and I wish you continued success and happiness.  Oh, and be sure to check out their story on ESPN February 20th after the Daytona 500.  Wait, did I already say that?

To any of you who have fallen down a flight of stairs, I mean you no disrespect but it seems to me that falling ALL THE WAY DOWN a flight of stairs, CONSCIOUSLY or SOBER, would be rather difficult to do.  First off, if you fall ALL THE WAY DOWN a flight of stairs rolling forward non stop then that must mean that while you were at the top of the stairs, for some reason you decided to tuck and roll.  A technique usually reserved for a flatter surface or diving into a pool but not heading face first down a flight of stairs.  I’ve never attended an “avoid falling down a flight of stairs seminar”  but if I did, I doubt one of the techniques would be to tuck and roll.

Now let’s just say for the sake of argument your first contact with the stairs is somehow a tucked approach.  As your body makes a full rotation and brings your feet back around to the stairs, don’t you think at that point you could un-tuck and sprawl out?  Hell, if you are really paying attention, when your feet make their way back to the stairs, I think you could almost stand up and continue you your descent…walking. 

Personally I think sliding down the stairs would be less painful than rolling down the stairs.  That’s just me.  If you were to fall forward down a flight of stairs without tucking and rolling then you would  just land face first on the stairs in front of you, painful yes but with your body stretched out, this to me seems like it would dramatically decrease your forward momentum.   And with this lack of  trajectory, I would think you would be traveling at a slower pace, slow enough where you could reach out your hands and grab hold of a railing or even one of the stairs to slow you down to a complete stop. 

Now, I have never experimented with this theory nor do I have any plans to do so.  I am going solely on my logical thinking process which has sometimes failed me in the past but it’s all I have to go on right now.  So if you or someone you know finds themselves in the unfortunate position of a forward descent down a flight of stairs.  I hope my insights are 1-accurate and 2-helpful.  If not, well then, I’m sorry and maybe you should use the elevator.

That gesture is unfortunately one that always seems to go unrewarded.  I can’t imagine a scenario where it would NOT be considered extremely wierd to U turn and chase a guy down just to say thank you.  That would be a bit bizarre.   So, the only way to reward that consideration is to pay it forward.   Which is something I have always done, until recently.  I have heard that flashing your lights at oncoming vehicles to warn them of speed traps is now illegal.  Holy crap!  Now what do I do?  The one gesture that is purely unselfish and where the gestureer (if you will.  No?  Whatever!) never receives the accolades and appreciation for, are now being taken away from us.   

Now we are forced to make a moral decision.  Do we pay it forward as it has been paid to us and risk a ticket?   Or, do we turn a blind eye for the sake of self preservation?   Maybe we don’t have to do either.  Maybe we can come up with another way to warn drivers without risk of retribution.  Let’s see, honking the horn three times?  What if the other driver is jamming to Travie McCoy? “I want to be a billionaire, so freaking bad”.  (My theme song).  He won’t hear our warning.  That won’t work.  How about swerving slightly into their lane?  Eh, that would just scare the crap out of the other driver, funny as hell but not effective for this cause.  I think I got it!  How about an app for your smart phone?   They have apps for everything else in the world.  Why not one that warns you of police radar devices in your area?   Simple concept, the phone picks up the radar within a 10 mile radius then sends it your phone which then beeps a warning.   

There you have it my friends.   A way we can all beat the system without the risk of traffic court.  Genius if you ask me.  Of course, this app may have already been developed.  If so, will someone please pay it forward to me?  If it hasn’t been developed yet, I think I found a way I can be on the cover of Forbes Magazine.

If I did have a head for hats I’d wear one all the time.  I would look cool no matter where I went and would never have to worry about fixing my hair.  Style and convenience wrapped up in one, who can beat that?   I wish I could sing too because I would sing all my conversations and when I was finished singing to the person, I’d tip my hat and walk away.  Shoot, if I could sing and tap dance?  I would Fred Astaire my ass everywhere.

I don’t have a head for hats.  Wow, that’s therapeutic just saying it.  I can move on with my life now.  No more sneaking off to Target in disguise hoping against hope the straw hat will do it for me.  I can walk with my head held high knowing it’s ok to be topless.    You become empowered when you embrace who you are.  It’s like coming out of the closet, well, I guess it’s exactly like coming out of the closet.   Literally putting your hats away up in your closet and coming out of it then going to work or something.  It’s very liberating.